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Big-Ben-Clock-Face.jpg' alt='Can You Fix A Crack In A Bong Clock' title='Can You Fix A Crack In A Bong Clock' />As a kid, chances are you heard a wide range of facts about drug use from a variety of sources. Even as your parents were telling you that a single bong hit would. If youre the only person that can see the clown, things are a wee bit more complicated because it means that the being youre dealing with is supernatural. Some people are fans of the Cincinnati Bengals. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Cincinnati Bengals. This 2017 Deadspin NFL team preview is for those in. As Americas most fearless purveyor of truthiness, Stephen Colbert shines a light on egodriven punditry, moral hypocrisy and government incompetence, raising the. Back when Mercedes was using the reanimated corpse of Pablo Picasso as the head of design for the Unimog division. Those towels are stronger than you think. Your 2. 01. 6 record 6 9 1. Congrats, Bengals For the first time in six years, you did NOT lose in the Wild Card round of the playoffs. Galactic leap forward. But if youre a Bengals fan still pining for the teams signature touch of consistent nincompoopery, rest assured that Pacman Jones DID tell a cop to suck his dick this offseason. Can You Fix A Crack In A Bong Clock' title='Can You Fix A Crack In A Bong Clock' />The stability warms my heart. Also, the Bengals had the distinction of subjecting British fans to their first ever tie game. Thanks, Mike Nugent And the Ravens outsmarted them by committing double holding penalties to run out the clock on them. When you want to test out a new, innovative, possibly extralegal way to humiliate an opponent, you do it against the Bengals. Your coach Marvin Lewis. Again. Hey, guess who doesnt like the new celebration rulesIm not for that at all, Lewis, who is on the NFL Competition Committee, said of the change. We had a good standard, and the whole standard has always been, you want to teach people how to play the game the correct way and go about it the correct way, and thats not a very good example for young people. My man, somehow I doubt celebrating will be much of a problem for you. Your quarterback Andy Dalton. Again. Lets see how Andy fared without support from wideouts Marvin Jones and Mohamed Sanu Oh. Well, thats not good. Turns out the strategy of hucking every ball at A. J. Green until his legs snap is a misguided one. From here on out, Andy Dalton will be the default comparison anytime a team is reluctantly wedded to a mediocre quarterback for a decade or more. He is an innings eater. Well, Kirk Cousins still throws horrible interceptions, but what are we gonna do Start over No, Im afraid weve been Daltoned. Whats new that sucks Joe MixonI should have known. I should have known that the Bengals would be the team to suck it up and draft the ladypuncher. Asked how he looks, one Cincinnati staffer answered Like a beast. I bet he does He gets especially beasty if you happen to insult him at a deli. Keep in mind that this team was already in fine shape at running back with Gio Bernard and Jeremy Hill. And yet, those two just didnt have the criminal panache that is requisite if you want to be a True Bengal. Heres Mike Brown tying his tongue in a knot to defend Mixon Hes a young guy. He turned 2. 1 on Monday. The incident that he was involved in was three years ago, Brown said on Tuesday, via ESPN. He made a terrible mistake. He struck a young woman. He hurt her badly. It was a reflexive action in my mind, when I see the tape of it. I just think he acted without thought. But it was a terrible result. Oh, it was a reflexive action Well then that makes it FINE. Im using that from now on. Officer, Im so sorry I shot that street busker to death. But he started playing Hotel California and I had a REFLEXIVE ACTION. Copy Windows Live Contacts To Iphone 4. Terrible result What other result does Mike Brown expect from a face punch Did he expect daisies to sprout out of the ladys nose when it happened What in the living fuck, Mike Mixon and John Ross were added to help offset the skill position losses that crippled Dalton a season ago. Meanwhile, the offensive line has completely fallen apart to the point where they had to bring Andre Smiths tits back just to patch up the holes. Defensively, they signed the guy the Panthers cut after Julio Jones roasted him for 3. Good thing the Steelers dont have a fleet of speedy and dangerous wideouts who could take advantage of such defensive liabilities One of their former players took his dick out in church parking lot. What has always sucked Bored with cripplingopposing players, linebacker and Big Fan Of The Principals Office Candy Dish Vontaze Burfict has taken up the fun habit of cheap shotting his own teammates Well now, how can you blame this poor wayward soul for the REFLEXIVE ACTION of knee diving during a non contact drill Thats just hard nosed football, far as Im concerned. Anyway, your 2. 01. Bengals are pretty much the same as every Bengals outfit this decade. Theyve got enough talented players to get back to the playoffs and lose in the Wild Card round again. Dalton is inconsistent. Marvin is a clueless goober. Burfict is a shitbag. And presiding over all of it is Mike Brown, a man so cheap he makes Bud Selig look like Rick Ross. Brown wrote an open letter to fans last month, apparently unaware that virtually every Bengals fan is waiting for him to die. Here are a few of the highlights Since we were formed in 1. Nippert Stadium, then at Riverfront Stadium, and now at Paul Brown Stadium. Your asshole stadium took money from schools. Also, I had no idea they once played in a joint called Nippert Stadium. THE BIG NIP. Memories of our first 4. So true. Like the time Chris Henry fell off a truck and died. You have shown us the way to six playoff appearances in the past eight years, including three AFC North division crowns. That did happen. I wonder what happened after they made the playoffs Do you know the worst part of all thisFor all of Mike Browns scumbaggeryfrom looting local coffers to surreptitiously bribing local aldermen to drafting the Joe Mixons of the world to skimping on hiring a formal scouting departmenthe still gets fawning knobjobs like this one from the local press. Mike fought to bring this football family into existence for his father. He professes a unique pride in keeping it a family business all these years. Many others across the league have failed, whether due to finances or in fighting. God man, FUCK YOU. This is a billion dollar franchise and youre treating it like Uncle Pappys General Store DIE. The guy who wrote this tripe goes on to list all the family owned NFL teams, like they belong in the Smithsonian. That list Fords, Browns, Mc. Caskeys, Bidwills, Davises reads like a case for upping the estate tax to 1,0. Mike Brown is a loser who inherited his team from his old man and hasnt won a goddamn thing. The man constantly whines about playing in a small market and wants the big boys to share with him even as he makes absolutely no effort to generate any local revenue. He is a liver spotted turd. But in the NFLs orbit, his deathly grip over this franchise is treated as some kind of wistful throwback. Yes, in an age of smartphones and self driven cars, thank God some things remain constant, like MIKE FUCKING BROWN still being a rich old asshole who deserves to rot on a street corner for time eternity. Real heartwarming stuff. The repo man should have visited this franchise three decades ago. Did you know Cincinnati is a more hideous Cleveland Even Ohio doesnt REALLY want you, Cincy. Also, five U. S. presidents are from there William Howard Taft, Rutherford B. Hayes, Ulysses S. Grant, William Henry Harrison, and Benjamin Harrison. That reads a list of contenders vying to be the second worst President in history. What might not suck Those four games a year where Tyler Eifert isnt hurt MAGIC. Also, I cant hate on your 2. Beats Skyline any day. HEAR IT FROM BENGALS FANS Michael I once saw Mike Brown at a First Watch restaurant. He ordered a bowl of soup and asked the server specifically if crackers were extra. Myths About Illegal Drugs You Probably BelieveContinue Reading Below. Youll notice that all those graphs are showing the precise opposite of a decrease. Drug use in the U. S. has been on a steady rise ever since criminalization began. Overdoses have become more common as laws were put into place, and arrests have been increasing for nearly 3. The war on drugs began in the 7. President Nixon, but really kicked into gear in 1. Anti Drug Abuse Act and, coincidentally, these are also the times when the graphs start booking ass in the wrong direction. Now, we here at Cracked arent all about making recommendations on national drug control policies were more about trying to figure out how to work in a dick joke while were showing you a bunch of goddamn graphs. You could almost say those graphs are quite. Right But based on the available evidence, it would seem that either weve had a cultural shift that caused us to use more drugs now than we did during either the 1. Either way, all signs point to our intangible enemy in the war on drugs having handed us our asses. John FoxxStockbyteGetty ImagesFINISH HIMContinue Reading Below. Scare tactics and oversimplification dont work to prevent kids from developing junkie aspirations, either. D. A. R. E. had no statistical relevance on preventing illicit drug use, and the original Just Say No program had the closest thing weve seen to a shining drug abuse prevention track record, with its minimal effectiveness. Just imagine if a penis enlargement pill had minimal effectiveness. Now imagine that the penis in question is still using drugs because its drug education was pathetic, and also that penis is your child. James creates educational You. Tube videos about psychoactive drugs and all sorts of other cool stuff. You should also like his organizations Facebook page. For more things you believe that simply arent true, check out 5 Ridiculous Gun Myths Everyone Believes Thanks to Movies and 5 Myths About the Military You Believe Thanks to Movies. If youre pressed for time and just looking for a quick fix, then check out 4 Hilariously Dystopian Ways Science Is Reinventing Food. Continue Reading Below. And stop by Link. STORM to learn the best way to snort your marijuana. Do you have an idea in mind that would make a great article Then sign up RIGHT NOW and pitch your first article today Do you possess expert skills in image creation and manipulation Mediocre Even rudimentaryAre you frightened by MS Paint and simply have a funny idea You can create an infographic and you could be on the front page of Cracked. And dont forget to follow us on Facebook, Twitter, and Tumblr to get sexy, sexy jokes sent straight to your news feed. Are you on Google So are we Extra Credit Down for some more drug war disinformation Check out the worst lessons 8. Next, shock your brain with some facts by reading about the surprising medical uses of illicit drugs. 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